I went to the Neurologist the other day.  I saw, and received, the films from my last MRI.  There are indeed some new lesions in my brain, but there are some which have gone away, in spite of the fact that this last year I have been only taking the Avonex injections intermittently… To be honest, I’ve taken them less times than I’ve not taken them.  I only took the immuno boosters when I would take the Avonex, otherwise, it’s like lesion suicide (of a sort).

My Neurologist has been privy to my ups and downs with the Avonex, and that even when I was taking it regularly, it was painful, the side effects were awful, and I was getting keloids in the areas of my injections, in spite of the fact that I rotate injection sites and no injection site is the same unless by happenstance.  So, she made a decision, which I was glad about, because I was going to ask her anyway.

She decided that Avonex was too problematic for me; it has proven to be too difficult to maintain on a weekly basis since I don’t self-inject, and with the side effects and keloid issues and the development of new lesions even with regular injections (at the time I was regular).  Since we can’t inject with the more often sub-cutaneous injectables available for the same reasons as the Avonex, especially the keloids, she’s suggested Tysabri, which I’ve been interested in for a very long time.

I had gone to a Biogen seminar where the main focus was Tysabri, amongst other things.  And the efficacy of the drug was astounding.  Everyone I’ve known, in person and online has had no trouble with it whatsoever, as a matter of fact, they have ALL thrived and had an increase in normalcy and function.  In other words, Tysabri appears to give people their lives back, at least to a degree depending on how severe a person is.  I’m not as severe as other people are, and so I have a real hope here.

I’m thrilled to say the least.  I’m excited to know if and when I can start.  There is a catch with this drug.  There is a very rare instance where it can kill a person depending on the genetic makeup of that person.  At the seminar, they talked about a test to know whether or not a person was “eligible” to take it or not.  If the test wasn’t just an idea or in the works, I’ll be very excited to know whether or not I’m one of the many people who can take Tysabri.  I wouldn’t want to take a drug and just hope it doesn’t kill me.  That would be like going back to the 90’s… and kinda stupid and asking for trouble.

I’ll keep you posted.

I picked up my son from school on Friday and was about a 1/4 of the way home sitting at a red light when I heard my son unclick his seat restraints on his car seat.  The light turned green and I immediately pulled into the corner lot where a there is a closed down Red Lobster and re-fastened his belt buckles and gave him a scolding.  I said I was going to find a policeman to tell him that he needed to keep that locked and not touch it.  He was afraid of getting in trouble with the policeman.

We got to the next light, not even a 1/2 mile away, and I was first to the yellow then red light.  Suddenly there is a loud crash and I’m thrown forward and slammed back into my seat.  It was very forceful.  It felt like a full-speed crash.  I knew immediately this was not a simple fender bender.  Thankfully, I had my seatbelt on, as always, and had just rebuckled my son’s belt, so when I looked back at him, he appeared okay.

The back of my head was hurting badly and my neck was hot.  My son’s eyes were as big as saucers and he was just sitting there scared out of his mind.  I asked him if he was okay and he said he was.  I got out of the car.  I think I was a little out of it from the occipital bone in my scull being hit so hard.

The first thing I saw was the car behind me.  The entire front end and engine bay was crumpled up to the windshield.  My heart sank as I thought of what the back of my 4 Runner must look like.  And then I got back there.  There was surprisingly very little damage comparably.  The lifting door was dented in, my bumper was hanging off on the driver’s side and cracked in several places, and the tow bar looked mangled and as if it were shoved up under the body further than it was supposed to be.  Other than that though, I was surprised at how little damage my 4 Runner ended up having.  There were fluids all over the street, probably from the other driver’s radiator, but one never knows the full extent in an accident such as that.

I had to stand on the runners of my SUV to get mobile service because I couldn’t get a signal to phone 911.  As I was talking to them, I could see the other driver.  She didn’t have her seat belt on, was clutching her chest, face bleeding and crying hysterically on the phone with someone other than the Sheriff.  I made sure the 911 operator knew she was in distress and that I was injured and that I had a 3 year old in the car and that there were fluids on the ground.  They transferred me immediately to the medics and I told them what she looked like and they said they’d be there shortly.  I walked over to the other driver and told her that medics were on the way.  I had my hand on her shoulder as a reassuring gesture for her.  How could I be angry?  Maybe 2 minutes later, the fire, ambulance, Sheriff and even a Highway Patrol were on their way, I could hear them and quickly see them.  Talk about a great response!

They took my blood pressure and glucose (I’m hypoglycemic = low blood sugar), which were both within typical normal range (although the BP was higher than normal for me).  They asked me what was happening with me and I had a medic take my medical report.  They checked out my son.  There were a lot of medics taking care of the other driver who was clearly in distress.  They whisked her away in an ambulance.  Soon they asked me to try to move my car to an apartment complex nearby.  Somewhere in all this mess I had called my Husband at work and he was on his way.

I pulled into the apartments and parked.  My car appeared to drive fine, so that was good.  I sat and waited for the Sheriff’s report on the accident and to get my insurance, registration and license back and for my Husband to come.  My Husband did come.  My son was so happy to see Him.  He just held on to Him like a monkey might… arms tight around His neck and holding on for dear life.  My Husband checked out our car and the other one and talked to the Sheriff’s deputy, who was very nice.  Everyone on the scene was super nice.  I have to say that.  The medics and fire crew and the Deputy were all super sweet with both me and my son.  I wasn’t surprised about that at all.  Police I might have been, but people in the Sheriff’s department seem to have more of a human quality and less of that crooked ego crap going on.  I like dealing with most Sheriff Deputies here.

We got the report and found out that the other driver had no insurance.  I needed to go to the hospital by that time, and although I had declined a ride in an ambulance (for many reasons), my Husband and I drove up there in both our cars.  I had X-rays, which showed no broken anythings and got a prescription for a pain killer.  My son was given a clean bill and released before I was.

We saw the other driver there.  I asked her if she was okay.  She was limping and cut up in the face with some bruising by then, with a bandage on her left wrist.  Her neck brace was off though.  She said her chest still hurt (steering columns tend to do that to people), and that she hurt her knee under the dashboard and there was a lot of swelling.  She apologized profusely and said her brakes didn’t work (which might explain why I was hit at full speed, which is at least 45 MPH), and she was sorry that she didn’t have insurance but that she would try to pay for my damages.  She was really nice and felt really bad.  I feel badly for her, because my insurance is going to go after her for the money they have to pay to us for our repairs, medical and car-seat replacement.  It sounds like she lost her job a couple months ago, which isn’t surprising since a lot of people are losing jobs lately.

By the way, in case you’re unaware, if you have a child’s car seat and it’s in any accident at all, even a minor fender bender, it needs to be replaced because the integrity of the seat is no longer viable.  So be sure that insurance pays for that replacement.

I am a compassionate person.  I can’t be angry with her.  I just don’t have it in me.  I don’t like the situation.  I certainly don’t like the fact that for the next week, at least, I’m going to have to drive around in a car that’s dented and kinda trashed looking.  It reflects poorly on me.  I don’t like that fact that I’m injured.  I’m worried that my 3 year old is hurt more than we know.  I don’t like the hassle of having to get my car fixed and find a new car seat and all that.  BUT, I am not angry with her.  Even if her brakes really do work and she’s lying, which is a possibility.  I just find the situation unfortunate.  Hopefully, she’ll get insurance, hopefully she’ll start wearing her seatbelt, and hopefully she can find a job, especially because she’s gonna need it.

So that was the start of my weekend.  Weee!  I’ll be fine.  I cope with pain already, I can cope with this too.  For now, I’m taking a lot of muscle relaxers and aspirin and taking it easy but still moving around.  If I’m stationary too much I’ll lock up.  So it’s time to end this novel and let you get back to your day and me get back to mine.

Enjoy the next coming week!

When we first moved into our new home, things were wonderful with all the neighbors.  Then our East neighbor’s pit bull began jumping the wall and taking dumps in our yard and peeing on our house.  Then when I’d be in the yard with our new puppy, after this other dog was supposedly secured so he couldn’t get over the wall, he’d get over and chase me and my new puppy.  This is when the problems began… with THIS neighbor.

Eventually, the wall was secured with a structure that was against our Housing Association rules and looked like crap.  It was made of 2×4s, chain link fence and a corrugated tin roof and it was poorly constructed and an eyesore.  It kept the dog from out of our yard however.  The people eventually had the dog taken away for biting someone (go figure) which we had nothing to do with.

Our dog grew up, and this neighbor, bitter about losing his dog began constantly griping about our dog barking during the days (for the short periods of time he’d actually be outside) and harassing us about shutting the dog up.  His kids began poking our dog with sticks and hitting him from atop the wall.  We told the neighbor we would press charges if it continued and he didn’t stop it.  Whenever I tried to sneak and get a photo of the kids doing it, they’d run off.

They began claiming toys in our yard (that belonged to us or our dog) were theirs.  Their kids lied about everything.  That’s our ball.  That’s our frisbee.  That’s our dog’s chew toy.  It was ridiculous.  And each and every time, the father of the house would say to us, “Go ahead and keep it.  I’ll let you have it.”

It happened again today.  The neighbor kid comes over banging on the door, the kid who we know to be a chronic liar, and said he lost his red ball in our yard and could we throw it back.  I said if I found it I would.  We went out there, and the only red ball out there was our dog’s PetSmart tennis ball.  The father said, “That’s it.”  My Husband and I are like, “No, this is our tennis ball that belonged to our dog” (Who’s now dead by the way).  And the neighbor proceeds to argue that his kid threw that ball into our yard.  My husband said that our son throws things over the walls all the time and that we don’t always know about it and again said that it was ours.  I couldn’t see the details, but said to the neighbor for verification purposes, “Ours has faded doggie footprints and a faded PetSmart logo on it”.  He turned it around in his hand and said, “Well I go to PetSmart too.  But you can have it.  Go ahead, I’ll give it to you, it’s not a big deal.”  I could feel my blood begin to boil as I took it and looked, and sure enough it had paw prints and the faded Petsmart logo.  I just took it and walked away.  How dare he.  My dead dog’s ball, and this pig has the audacity to tell me I can have my own ball?

If it were just another cheap ball, or my dog weren’t dead, I’d have let it go and gotten ourselves a new one.  But this was my dog’s ball.  MY DEAD DOG’S ball.  So once again, this neighbor next door, thinks he has the upper hand by telling me to keep something that I own in the first place.  I bet they have our soccer ball too.  But there is no way they’ll admit it.  Just because something ends up in your yard when you have a house next door with kids and pets that isn’t yours, doesn’t make that item yours.  What is this finders keepers thing?  We’re adults here, have some friggin integrity.

We just bought my son a tricycle.  It’s a gorgeous trike with a retro feel to it and is shiny and every kid’s dream at that age.  We made sure to bring it inside for the night.  Gods forbid these dishonest neighbors might actually steal it right out of our yard!  I wouldn’t doubt they would.

The audacity some people have really irks me.  I don’t let much get to me, but this incident today just… well frankly, it freaking pissed me off.  I maintained my composure in front of the neighbor and all his guests, but I’m so mad I could spit at him.

My Owner, my Master, my Sir, has given me an assignment which I have sat down to fulfill.  I am to write an essay, length was not set, about “cock worship”.  I imagine that if it displeases my Owner, He will have something to say about it, probably with a cane or other implement of punishment, but my motivation to do well is simply because He told me to do it.  Read on:

I always imagined cock worship as just another glorified term of fellatio, and perhaps it is.  From what I’ve read, it’s definitely what I’d say has always been my version of fellatio, never knowing before recently there was such a thing as cock worship.  I know I’ve given head before without the fervor and enthusiasm that I normally put into it, but I think the enjoyment on the receiving end is also diminished if I am not enjoying what I am doing.

So what is cock worship?  It is fellatio, yes, but beyond the degree that I am just there on my knees performing a service because I have to or because it will get me something or to shut Him up.  It is about wanting to be there, it’s a desire, a craving, to want to suck His cock like a vacuum while moving my face up to the head and down to the balls, to feel it in my mouth and to caress it with my lips and tongue.  To flirt with his cock and balls with my mouth, my lips, my tongue, and even gingerly – with my teeth.  To taste & smell the flavor of His flesh and to deepthroat and lick His balls while I’m down there.  To want all these things and more!  It is to enjoy them, as I drip my juices in excitement while I perform my very best performance each and every time, and improving every single time I do it, seeking perfection and beyond.

Knowing I’m the best at what I do and knowing my Owner on the other end of the cock is in absolute mindless pleasure because of what I am doing to Him.  That is cock worship.  It is seeking the approval of Him; wanting Him to grab my hair and force my face down on Him  and fuck my face hard, not allowing me to breathe as He fucks my face with His throbbing, hard cock and tells me what a good slut I am.  I am a good slut, and He is the only one allowed to tell me that.

A good slut who worships her Owner’s cock will enthusiastically look forward to swallowing his milk when He decides He wants and is ready to cum.  When He is ready, I will work the head and the underside of the shaft in His sweet spot, and circle around with my tongue and then begin to suck very hard while going up and down in a consistent motion so He doesn’t lose His concentration and ability to orgasm.  Steady and smooth.  Swallowing as I go to ensure that every last drop is consumed and not wasted is my good slut way of worshipping my Owner’s amazing cock.  This is the ultimate in worship… cock worship from this good slut slave for her Owner.

A recent post on another site I belong to regarding internet censorship said it couldn’t happen… “as long as we’re living in a free society”.  I had to laugh aloud.  A free society?  As long as we’re living in it?  When?  Perhaps at some point in my earlier years in life I did live in a free-er society, but now?  I think not.  And it’s only going down hill.

The American Lemmings Society, yes a fictional creation of mine to depict the lemmings of American society, has elected a man who is cunning to the hilt (and getting away Scott-free with it).  I’m a semi-leftist democrat (who happens to like and own firearms and believe in our 2nd amendment rights) and I’m scared to death!

This is a man who wants to militarize police, who tried to halt free speech during the election with a thing called the Truth Squad, with children singing his praises (sounds like the Hitler youth to me), a man who supports infanticide, and other gestapo tactics reminiscent of the days that Hitler was ELECTED by a democratic Germany and became a fascist country under a dictator who was mentally imbalanced.  Quick!  Take your family and your guns and RUN to the nearest republican militia based bunker for protection!  I know I’m seriously thinking about it.

So, you might ask, are we free now? I think not. Since 9/11, we have systematically lost more and more freedoms.  Freedoms of speech, of privacy, of travel, of the right to an attorney, and for what?  In the name of protection?  Protection from whom?  Some guy across the world with no bomb that can reach me?  Some guy who hides in the caves?  Some guy the CIA trained (like they did Hussein back before they went after him in Desert Storm… remember?)  I want protection from the government not BY the government.  The whole reason our founding fathers came here and created America was to get away from this control.  They wanted to be sovereign (which technically we are, but we have to fight for that right with lawyers and money, and still can have it denied!) , wanted to get away from the obscene taxation that was happening and wanted to be free men!  Our founding fathers would be ashamed of our country now… or would they be crooked politicians?  I wonder.

You will see, we’re about to face a crucial turning point in American history from being a (semi) free country to a country no longer free.  Spying via phones, internet and email already occurs.  What makes anyone think this is impossible (even in a free country)?  Don’t be lemmings hypnotized by shiny white teeth and nice smile and charming personality so enthralled you can’t see the man behind the curtain!

I can feel it.  The tide is turning.  My sexuality is beginning to go into warp speed again.  The timing couldn’t be better either.  Right about the time my son entered full time school over the summer, I began to get a feel for myself again.  How things used to be before I had the life sucked out of me from 24/7 toddler overdrive.  My son is like a bull on speed.  He has so much energy and is so much like me that it was often like we were locking horns at every turn and he was just literally squeezing every last drop of energy I had out of me.

I had no energy left for myself.  I wasn’t interested in sex, I didn’t want to masturbate, I didn’t want to be touched.  It was awful.  Thankfully, my Husband stuck by me.  I know he was impatient.  He showed it often.  I suppose I would too if he were turning me down that much for that long.  I gave in as much as I possibly could, but it did have to be on my terms.  Ugggh.  Yuck.  I’m glad that’s over!

My son went to school and I went to Florida.  It was a much needed trip.  The first 1/2 of it was a business trip, but there was a lot of partying with the ladies going on.  We would be up till 2 am most days drinking 8 or 9 drinks a night.  The last 1/2 was just me in Clearwater Beach, Florida.  I drank there too, but not too much.  I just spent time with myself for once.  Nobody else to worry about or care about.  I had no schedule, except to make the shuttle to and from the beach.  I did what I wanted, when I wanted and with NOBODY!  It was great.

I came home and my libido started to come back.  I think the fact that my son was in school and I had taken some time for myself had really helped me in that respect.  But it kind of plateaued.

Then I had my 35th birthday… and like a magic switch had been turned on, my libido began to increase.  It hasn’t really stopped either.  I’m wanting sex… all sorts of sex.  I want it often.  It’s still on the rise.  I’m entering my prime, this is about the age where a woman does enter the prime of her sexuality, and I think this is it.

I’ve had a sexuality that ebbed and flowed my entire life.  And when it flows, it gushes.  I’m telling you, I’m insatiable when I’m in warp drive sexual state.  And I’m almost there.  I can feel it.  I think about it all the time.  I want it all the time.  My kink desires need fulfilling and I have a deep need for sex sex sex!!!

Deviant of society?

Bisexual woman?

Masochist?

Wife?

Woman?

Mother?

Daughter?

Friend?

How would I classify myself then?  If I relate to all of the above… then how to I fit into normal society?

I kinda don’t.  I am who I am.  I always have been.  And I always have been on the outskirts of “normal society” because of who I am.  And you know, I’m fine with that.

I’ve always had the mentality of take it or leave it, and I don’t think I want to change that, even though there are a few people out there who might not know the full scope of who I am, or some who might not even have a clue!

The problem, on the other hand, is that I get terribly upset when someone I like very much casts me aside because they learn something about me that they might be uncomfortable with.

Case in point.  A woman, who I would choose to call a friend as well as a colleague recently just stopped talking to me shortly after learning I had been a topless dancer for many years in my 19+ age group.  I knew she had a “vanilla” personality, but considering her tendencies toward liberalism and excessive indulgences (I won’t say what), I thought she would be okay with it.  I might be overly sensitive on the subject and maybe it has been a bad time for her (3+ months)… but I don’t think so, considering the time that has now passed.  I must say, considering this woman’s serious vanilla personality, the fact that I was a stripper was as much as I could tell her.  Being bi and being poly and being in BDSM… well, frankly, that was just going to have to remain a secret until I knew more I think…  But then again, I also felt awful about not being open about who I was.  It’s kind of a catch 22 and I usually play it straight from the get go with people.  Being that she was originally someone I only worked with kinda threw me for a loop on that.

Another case in point… Another friend, who when we first got to talking I told outright that I was bi-sexual, was okay with that, and we had a platonic friendship for over a couple of years.  But it came up in conversation several months back and the look of sheer horror that came over her face told me there would be a problem, but the unreturned calls confirmed it.  She literally freaked out… and she KNEW when we first met.

This hurts when my “friends” turn on me.

So, now I’ve decided to be open about it.  As long as it doesn’t effect my husband’s or children’s relationships or lives, I really need to be 100% open.  I tried to be as open as possible before, but I did hold a reservation about certain circumstances (like the working with someone… like is it really their business?)

But now, I’d rather continue to work with someone (or not) and have everything on the table and know that my friends know about me and my tendencies BEFORE I become friends with them and before I become invested in the relationship.

I wonder how they feel?  In the case of my friend who knew and turned on me?  I wonder what happened that she turned?  Did she forget and then decide that she didn’t like that? (That’s the only conclusion that makes sense).  Does it intimidate her?  Does she think I hit on every woman that walks on 2 legs?

What about my colleague/friend… I wonder what was all about being a topless dancer that made her turn on a dime.  Perhaps it was something else?  If it was the stripping, what about that would make her turn on me?  Considering her tendencies of other ’sins’ I doubt it’s the whole religious thing (except that I know too many people who live by double standards).

This really trips me out.  Truly, how can MY life intimidate YOU?  Even if what I do is considered a sin by your terms, how does that affect you… really?

My dream has always been to go to Africa and photograph the wildlife and landscapes.  But the most attractive aspect to going is to be able to see the African Elephants in their natural habitat and photograph them especially.

Along the way, I’ve met a few people who thought this was a cool dream to have.  I’ve met a few who asked me why I didn’t pick a different dream (really!) and I’ve met many who tried to talk me out of it for one reason or another.

I was talking to my therapist, who just returned from Africa on a mental health professionals trip for studying genocide in Rowanda.  I spoke with her about this dream photo shoot, and she said she too all too often heard people try and talk her out of it, or ask her why she would want to go to Africa, or why she’d want to study the effects of genocide on remaining populations, and tell her she should do something else.  She said that it didn’t matter that if is Africa or Alaska, people will find a way to criticize another person’s dream or desire and that the best thing that dreamers can do is to just ignore these people, don’t even entertain them in conversation, and do it anyway.  She said that people who would criticize another person for something they want to do, or feel they need to do, will never understand so there is no sense in trying to explain the “Why”.  When people asked her why she wanted to go to Africa, knowing what she was going there for, she knew they would never understand.  It’s the same thing with anything else, even something as simple and pleasurable as a photo shoot.

She has helped me understand that my dream of going to Africa does not need to be dependent on another person telling me it’s okay (like my husband for instance) or anyone coming with me.  These were obviously things I knew logically already, but she helped me understand it on a deeper level than just that brain logical way.

So I will be going, no matter who says I shouldn’t and no matter who doesn’t understand.  I will do it.  It is the one thing that if I were on my death bed never having done it, I would regret it.  So this is a must-do dream.  This is not one that I can compromise and I’ve realized that it’s not one that I’m willing to compromise either.  I need to get my ducks in a row and then I’ll be going.

Polyamory… poly- many, amory- love

Many loves.  Being Polyamorous means that you are not bound by the conventional law of monogamy – glued to one person forever (or even for the duration of the relationship).  Many people are finding that a non-monogamous relationship of some sort fits them and their mate better than being monogamous.

Why?  Some people just need more than what the other person can or is willing to give.  For example, some couples, you may have a partner who is totally into BDSM and the other wants absolutely nothing to do with it.  A loving partner would say, “Go get what you need” and others would say, “Go find someone to do it and bring them home”.  There are all sorts of combinations of scenarios for how this can work.

In my particular situation, I am bisexual.  My husband also likes to have some variety.  So we form Triads when we can and for us, we all participate together.  Likely, sometimes I’ll sit back for a moment and enjoy her giving him head or him fucking her or he’ll sit back and watch her and I together too.  But for the most part, we like the connection of the 3.  And for us, we’d like to build something special with that with someone special.

If we found more than one woman we connected with, I think a small tribe would be really cool, but for now, a strong triad is what we seek and something that we enjoy immensely.

Part of my family knows of our choice.  My husband’s family would most likely be ashamed and cut us off.  Our kids have no clue.  Hell, my kids and his family don’t even know I’m not totally straight.  While my kids would be totally accepting of it, his family would freak at least most of them would.

I recommend http://polyweekly.com/ for more information.  You can also find Polyamory Weekly podcasts at iTunes and there is a poly weekly forum at http://forum.polyweekly.com/index.php#1

Even monogamous people enjoy the show as there is plenty of invaluable relationship advice to be found.

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