The Life of a…

Deviant of society?

Bisexual woman?

Masochist?

Wife?

Woman?

Mother?

Daughter?

Friend?

How would I classify myself then?  If I relate to all of the above… then how to I fit into normal society?

I kinda don’t.  I am who I am.  I always have been.  And I always have been on the outskirts of “normal society” because of who I am.  And you know, I’m fine with that.

I’ve always had the mentality of take it or leave it, and I don’t think I want to change that, even though there are a few people out there who might not know the full scope of who I am, or some who might not even have a clue!

The problem, on the other hand, is that I get terribly upset when someone I like very much casts me aside because they learn something about me that they might be uncomfortable with.

Case in point.  A woman, who I would choose to call a friend as well as a colleague recently just stopped talking to me shortly after learning I had been a topless dancer for many years in my 19+ age group.  I knew she had a “vanilla” personality, but considering her tendencies toward liberalism and excessive indulgences (I won’t say what), I thought she would be okay with it.  I might be overly sensitive on the subject and maybe it has been a bad time for her (3+ months)… but I don’t think so, considering the time that has now passed.  I must say, considering this woman’s serious vanilla personality, the fact that I was a stripper was as much as I could tell her.  Being bi and being poly and being in BDSM… well, frankly, that was just going to have to remain a secret until I knew more I think…  But then again, I also felt awful about not being open about who I was.  It’s kind of a catch 22 and I usually play it straight from the get go with people.  Being that she was originally someone I only worked with kinda threw me for a loop on that.

Another case in point… Another friend, who when we first got to talking I told outright that I was bi-sexual, was okay with that, and we had a platonic friendship for over a couple of years.  But it came up in conversation several months back and the look of sheer horror that came over her face told me there would be a problem, but the unreturned calls confirmed it.  She literally freaked out… and she KNEW when we first met.

This hurts when my “friends” turn on me.

So, now I’ve decided to be open about it.  As long as it doesn’t effect my husband’s or children’s relationships or lives, I really need to be 100% open.  I tried to be as open as possible before, but I did hold a reservation about certain circumstances (like the working with someone… like is it really their business?)

But now, I’d rather continue to work with someone (or not) and have everything on the table and know that my friends know about me and my tendencies BEFORE I become friends with them and before I become invested in the relationship.

I wonder how they feel?  In the case of my friend who knew and turned on me?  I wonder what happened that she turned?  Did she forget and then decide that she didn’t like that? (That’s the only conclusion that makes sense).  Does it intimidate her?  Does she think I hit on every woman that walks on 2 legs?

What about my colleague/friend… I wonder what was all about being a topless dancer that made her turn on a dime.  Perhaps it was something else?  If it was the stripping, what about that would make her turn on me?  Considering her tendencies of other ’sins’ I doubt it’s the whole religious thing (except that I know too many people who live by double standards).

This really trips me out.  Truly, how can MY life intimidate YOU?  Even if what I do is considered a sin by your terms, how does that affect you… really?